Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Tony Dungy Robot Goes Haywire; Electrocutes NBC Staff

Rodney Harrison and Bob Costas In Critical Condition Following Accident

New York, NY (CHN) - Staff at NBC are still reconstructing the events that led to a complete and total failure of the Tony Dungy Robot. The malfunction occurred during the Sunday night post-game wrap up following the Eagles and 49ers Week 5 match-up.

NBC Scientists originally developed the robot in 2009 shortly after Dungy decided to re-neg on his 3-year contract with NBC's "Sunday Night Football" so that he could spend more time with family. Despite regular malfunction and non-human functionality, NBC has continued to use the robot up until the catastrophic failure Sunday. 

NBC Staff and a Naked Tony Dungy Robot During Happier Times in 2009
NBC producer Fred Gaudelli spoke frankly to CHN about the incident, "We tried to limit use of the Dungy Robot to statistical assessment. As time went on viewers didn't seem to take offense to the robots lack of human eye movement, facial cohesion, or mind boggling awkwardness. I think we got cocky and just rode that robot until it failed". 

Early reports indicate that Bob Costas was wrapping post game discussion with the Dungy Unit and attempting to segue to Mike Florio for review of Ben Roethlisberger's return to the Steelers. 

The Dungy Robot reportedly began to experience voltage irregularities and immediately started to regurgitate Peyton Manning stats from the Indianapolis Colts 2006-07 Super Bowl season. 

Investigators believe that at some point the wiring originally meant to control eye blinking and speech inflection finally burned through the Dungy Robot's thin fiberglass skin causing mass electrocution and fire to the 'Football Night In America' Set.

NBC will replace the injured Rodney Harrison and Bob Costas with back-up robots for 3-4 weeks but promises to phase out the use of all future robots with the exception of the current Jay Leno model which isn't scheduled to be scrapped until the spring of 2014.



Read more: http://comedyhub.blogspot.com/#ixzz11aYEnijR
at 7:23 AM 0 comments

Ahmadinejad: Iranian Basketball Team Too Powerful To Play Western Foes

Any Basketball Team Sent To Iran Would Be Quickly Crushed

Tehran, Iran (CHN) -- Iran's National Basketball Team is so powerful today that no country would dare challenge it, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said Sunday during an annual athletic parade.

"Iran's basketball defenses are so mighty that no enemy should even have a thought of scoring against our 1-2-2 match-up zone or our man to man full court trap," said the Iranian leader through state media. "Of course, Iran is a friend and brother of regional and independent basketball teams and it wants parody, progress, and athletic prowess for all countries," Ahmadinejad said.

During the event near the Ayatollah Khomeini Mr Pibb Center, several players specializing in long-range three point capabilities were on display including the 'Tehranian Treymaster' Mehdi Rahmati.

American intelligence suggests that all games and practices are held in the Mr. Pibb Ayatollah Khomeini Center. The state run media in Tehran has reported that a test game is being planned in the Straits of Hormuz later this month. The opponent has been a well guarded secret, however Russian athletes have been spotted by U.S. satellites and are believed to be slowly moving into the area.

Geo-athletic sports writers believe that Ahmadinejad's increasingly hostile rhetoric against Western basketball teams was fomented after being snubbed for NBA playoff tickets following multiple requests to NBA Jew Commissioner David Stern.

The hard line leader slammed Western teams and coaches for what he called hypocritical and dangerous game plans that can only lead to general basketball proliferation. He said the United Basketball Nations and the International Olympic Committee were ineffective because they were dominated by a few teams that all had a proclivity to transfer game strategy and Nike Air Jordan's to Israel.

President Obama has been pressing the U.N. Athletic Council to slap Iran with tougher sanctions for its ominous basketball ambitions. Iran says that its sports program is intended for peaceful civilian purposes only.

In a public letter to Ahmadinejad, Obama told the Iranian Leader that if the Iranian Basketball Team was sent to Israel for any reason that the U.S. would immediately strike back with the 1992 Olympic Dream, widely considered the best basketball team of all time.

Ahmadinejad, unfazed by the threat, told state media that as long Christian Laettner and Chris Mullin were still on the 'Dream Team' that the Iranian Government would have no hesitation sending its squad to any gymnasium in the world.

It has been long thought that Iran has purchased balls, uniforms, and other equipment from Russia and North Korea. Iranian Leaders have argued that the basketball buildup has always been to defend against foreign teams who may have 'huge black players that might invade the lane and dunk on our fucking faces'. As of press time those comments could not be confirmed by any huge black players.



More like this from (CHN Sports):

1992 'Dream Team' Wants Christian Laettner Removed From Roster

Marines lose confidence in Obama's ability to recognize 2-3 zone defense

33% of U.S. Strategic Oil Reserve Found to be Simple Molasses.

Read more: http://comedyhub.blogspot.com/2010/04/ahmadinejad-iranian-basketball-team-too.html#ixzz11aWz4O7a
at 7:20 AM 0 comments

Small Discharge Saves Big Ben

Steeler Faithful Concerned With Roethlisberger's lack of Prowess, Sperm Count Against No-Name Defense

Some Bar, GA (CHN) - In one of the worst performances of his still young sexual career, Pittsburgh QB Ben Roethlisberger has been released from all legal liability based primarily on evidence suggesting that there was no effective offensive attack executed in the bathroom of a small Georgia bar.

Ocmulgee County DA Fred Bright made it clear that "The measurable output from Ben was so pitiful we can't charge him. The reality is that it is nearly impossible to substantiate a claim against Roethlisberger because frankly - he didn't score."

Steeler fans hoping for a 2010 Super Bowl run are shocked by the news that the 6 year NFL veteran had such a difficult time with a no-name, unproven defense that was haphazardly pieced together in the bathroom of a college pub by a 20 year old College student.

"Typically Ben can stroke it down and out repeatedly until things open up," said teammate Hines Ward. He continued, "I think the game-plan fell apart early once it became clear that Ben was unable to sell the defense on any type of deep threat".

Critics suggest that the 28 year old quarterback mismanaged the clock all night and despite getting into the red zone four different times he couldn't find a ball carrier anywhere in the VIP room.

While the Pittsburgh star is generally a strong second half performer; rape kit evidence suggests that once in the bathroom/red zone, Big Ben came out sluggish and made multiple ill-fated attempts at the tight end which either fell short or were easily slapped away by the non-intoxicated defense.


Longtime friend and hoe bag recruiter Jim Schooner felt that "The slot receiver was there all night but Ben just couldn't focus despite going to a two step drop to increase his rhythm." Schooner believes that "he [Ben] felt rushed with hecklers chanting 'last call' and 'get the fuck out of the bathroom you jerk'.

The Pro Bowl QB's bodyguard, never far from the action admitted that "Nothing was coming out tight; perhaps his grasp was disrupted by a nagging thumb injury. Frankly, he wasn't pumping out anything consistent". Dehydration has been mentioned as a possible factor along with the casual rape of a different co-ed earlier in the night.

Ben's total output, which is typically potent and virile, was also hampered in 2009 by 32 year old Andrea McNultys' prevent defense in an alley behind a Denny's Restaurant . The McNulty case proves that a tight pocket may not be Big Ben's only problem as the Quarterback had ample room to 'Run and Gun' with the Harrah's Casino worker.

In order to deal with the bad press Big Ben called Tiger Woods who has reportedly suggested a 60 second add using the voice of Ben's father.  Roethlisberger hopes to win back fan support for his next pre-season warm-up scheduled for next Monday at a Denver Outback Steakhouse.



at 7:14 AM 0 comments

Saturday, April 3, 2010

1992 Olympic Dream Team Wants Christian Laettner Removed From Roster

Possible Move May Help Ignite Fire Under A Slowing Chris Mullin
by: Bill Simons, (CHN) Barcelona Games Bureau, 6:30 PM EST

U.S. Olympic Training Center, Denver, CO: Often called the greatest basketball team ever assembled the 1992 U.S. Olympic 'Dream Team' is about to shed one of it's 12 players amid growing concern over the teams depth and shot-blocking ability.

"I think we have had plenty of time to review the breadth of Christian's NBA career in addition to what he added to our 1992 gold medal run in Barcelona... I would classify those contributions as nauseating", said Co-Captain Larry Bird.

Other team members also made public comments; "For me it's simple, I just hate white people" said an forthcoming Charles Barkley. He continued, "We already have Bird, Stockton, and Mullin... aint that enough".

"He did an excellent job in practice of prepping David Robinson and Karl Malone for the type of slow, white, incapable defense that we would eventually see from Croatia and Lithuania - I mean it's kind of hard for Patrick Ewing to pretend he is Danko Cvjeticanin or Alvydas Pazdrazdis", informed Clyde Drexler.

"I've never heard of him", shrugged a confused Michael Jordan as he joined John Stockton for a pre-practice warm-up on the stationary bikes.

"The decision to shake up the team was a difficult one", said Lenny Wilkens, who was recently promoted to head coach of the 92' squad after the passing of Chuck Daly. "We did a secret ballot of all 19 members of the roster including coaches to see if we should go through with the tough decision of cutting Laettner". He continued, "The results were clear: 18 for removal and one vote for 'not sure'. We think the 'not sure' vote may have been Laettner". The vote came just days after the 94-95 Minnesota Timberwolves and the 99-00 Detroit Pistons waived the center; the 03-04 Washington Wizards have had Laettner stalled in arbitration for 7 seasons.

Laettner's .864 free throw percentage in 1997 with the Atlanta Hawks placed him in the top 20 of free throw shooters for that season; one small accomplishment to offset the torture he administered to home fans of the 6 teams he played for over 13 mediocre seasons .

Possible replacements for Laettner include Dominique Wilkins, Shawn Kemp, and a 9 year old Dwight Howard.

David Stern recently requested that all highlights and inspirational videos from the Barcelona games be modified so that Laettner's likeness is no longer associated with the team. NBA film



editor Mark Warner said that "easiest job I ever had, I didn't have to change a thing".

The Comedy Hub Network (CHN) 8/17/09, All Rights Reserved.
Article Re-Released March 2010 to Honor The Dream Team Induction to The Hall of Fame
at 9:20 AM 1 comments

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

1992 'Dream Team' Wants Christian Laettner Removed From Roster Read more: http://comedyhub.blogspot.com/2009/08/1992-dream-team-wants-christian-laetn

Possible Move May Help Ignite Fire Under A Slowing Chris Mullin
by: Mandy Westgate, Barcelona Games Bureau, 6:30 PM EST

U.S. Olympic Training Center, Denver: Often called the greatest basketball team ever assembled the 1992 U.S. Olympic 'Dream Team' is about to shed one of it's 12 players amid growing concern over the teams depth and shot-blocking ability.

"I think we have had plenty of time to review the breadth of Christian's NBA career in addition to what he added to our 1992 gold medal run in Barcelona... I would classify those contributions as nauseating", said Co-Captain Larry Bird.

Other team members also made public comments; "For me it's simple, I just hate white people" said an forthcoming Charles Barkley. He continued, "We already have Bird, Stockton, and Mullin... aint that enough".

"He did an excellent job in practice of prepping David Robinson and Karl Malone for the type of slow, white, incapable defense that we would eventually see from Croatia and Lithuania - I mean it's kind of hard for Patrick Ewing to pretend he is Danko Cveticanin or Aluydas Pazdrazdis", informed Clyde Drexler.

"I've never heard of him", said a confused Michael Jordan as he joined John Stockton for a pre-practice warm-up on the stationary bikes.

"The decision to shake up the team was a difficult one", said Larry Wilkens, who was recently promoted to head coach of the 92' squad after the passing of Chuck Daly. "We did a secret ballot of all 19 members of the roster including coaches to see if we should go through with the tough decision of cutting Laettner". He continued, "The results were clear: 18 for removal and one vote for 'not sure'. We think the 'not sure' vote may have been Laettner".

Laettner's .864 free throw percentage in 1997 with the Atlanta Hawks placed him in the top 20 of free throw shooters for that season; one small accomplishment to offset the torture he administered to home fans of the 6 teams he played for over 13 mediocre seasons .

Possible replacements for Laettner include Dominique Wilkins, Shawn Kemp, and a 9 year old Dwight Howard.

David Stern recently requested that all highlights and inspirational videos from the Barcelona games be modified so that Laettner's likeness is no longer associated with the team. NBA film editor Mark Warner said that "easiest job I ever had, I didn't have to change a thing".




at 8:55 AM 0 comments
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